


two halves of one soul

by cesario12



Category: Twelfth Night - Shakespeare
Genre: (i do very very loosely but my writing always does and already has taken me away from my plans), But not that much, Idk how to tag things, Internalized Homophobia, Internalized Transphobia, M/M, Other, Trans Male Character, and this is an evolving work i have no outline or plans for, i can't even write kissing so expect no smut, i suppose it's like a medieval or early modern-ish setting, ig if you want you can read cesario as nb transmasc but hm gender is a complicated thing, illyria is okay with the gays, some regular implied homophobia?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-15
Updated: 2020-10-21
Packaged: 2021-03-09 01:48:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,077
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27026833
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cesario12/pseuds/cesario12
Summary: some vaguely-related storiesch1 Cesario is doing some thinking about the future, then dresses Orsino and thinks how he is in love with his master and they have a brief kiss and Cesario is a bit like. O no is this okay.ch2 Cesario goes too woo Olivia for Orsino but with little success but a decent talk. and then Cesario and Orsino kissch3 Cesario is like WhAt, Illyria isn't massively homophobic?! and Orsino is like What do you mean you can't tell anyone you like to snog guys as well?!
Relationships: Orsino/Viola | Cesario (Twelfth Night)
Comments: 9
Kudos: 4





	1. Dilemmas

**Author's Note:**

> disclaimer:  
> this is my first fic or story of any sort in 5 years so ehh I hope to improve over time  
> Also sorry for the stupid fucking title.  
> I know Viola/Cesario as genderfluid or else Viola/Cesario being a trans woman seem to be the most popular takes, and I really don’t mean to be offensive, hurtful or problematic, but me being transmasc, I am projecting myself unto Viola/Cesario and therefore portray them as a trans man or non-binary transmasc person as well.  
> Did some reading on early modern sexuality after i wrote chapter 2 and my conclusions are in the notes of ch2, so if you're bored... feel free to correct me if I'm wrong! it's such a nuanced field which I didn't have much prior knowledge about so I've spent like 3 days reading up on it and still know nothing, but I am happy to learn new things.  
> This fic is written as pure self-indulgence.  
> When I started writing this I was like "I'll just stick with the canon pairings!" but now I so want to give Antonio a happy ending and like I suppose Olivia/Sebastian can work out in the way that they're both beautiful and people can be satisfied in marriages to strangers, but Olivia deserves better. I do see the appeal of one bittersweet couple idk. Idk if I'll ever continue as far as to any marriages.  
> I thought of doing Elizabethan language dialogue but then i always find it a bit cringe (but in a friendly way, I'm try not to be uppity about it like, I couldn't do better myself!) when people try but make all kinds of very obvious mistakes so I decided not to

Cesario had never quite been one of the boys. How could he be when he wasn’t raised to know their customs and interests and be part of their world? When they didn't accept him as one of them? Yet he had also never felt at home in the role society had endowed him as a woman. In his new identity as Cesario he felt freer, more himself than ever. But on the other hand, he could not ever let his guard down, he could not let anybody know. A dilemma of a person and a dilemma of a situation. In more ways than just these.

The added problem was Orsino. Cesario was pretty sure he had quickly fallen in love with his master and wanted him in a way he couldn't fully comprehend, approve of, or allow. It pained him sometimes, dressing his master, laughing with him, being so close, but having to be careful not to drop any hints by mistake. If rather than a page boy he could just be Viola, Orsino could love him, perhaps? He thought the duke would, if he knew Cesario used to be the daughter of a wealthy man once upon a time. Sometimes he could already find his master staring at him, a certain hunger in his eyes, but Cesario being a boy, Orsino never acted on it, he supposed (but what did he know of such things). And that was the dilemma: if Cesario revealed himself, he might get that what he wanted, his master's love, but then he'd have to be Viola. Despite having lived most of 19 ***** years as a girl, going back now seemed like too great a sacrifice. Yet in a couple years he would have to leave and become either woman, recluse, or some cloaked creature. He supposed he already looked old to not have started puberty yet, small, beardless and his voice still shrill -well it wouldn't ever change- but in his eyes a maturity, betraying he was older than he seemed. Already being teased for his pre-pubescent voice and appearance, in some short time people would start to notice he never grew to be a man. Maybe he could say he was a castrato? He didn't sign too badly; that might work. In any way, if he didn’t want to live his life as a woman, he’d be on the margins of society. Which was only fair he supposed. Worries for a later day.  
He sighed as he finished ordening the duke’s letters and papers and looked for something else to actually occupy his thoughts. The door creaked and Orsino came in wearing no more than a towel, his skin still glistening a little from his bath. He had a nice body, slim yet powerful, a hint of abs, though the duke was more the type to read and write poems and lie around moping or drinking wine than to engage in physical exercise. He looked beautiful anyway, and Cesario wished-- “Could you get me my clothes and help me dress, boy,” his master said with a hint of amusement. Cesario startled and hoped his duke hadn't notice his admiring eyes. Or if he did, that he thought it the admiration one had for a hero one longed to be. Was there really a difference?. “Yes, my lord, not a problem,” he said hastily, his cheeks warm with embarrassment. He got the nice set of clothing his master had picked for the day and brought it over. Dressing him felt both painfully intimate as well as distant, while Cesario tried to be a piece of machinery, like a mill or cart, working for the benefit of man without any feelings or thoughts. Orsino looked at his face and stroked his cheek and Cesario understood the feeling of longing, wanting something so nearby, yet always just out of reach, impossible. Maybe that was a tad dramatic; his master's way of thinking rubbing off on him. Against himself, he looked Orsino in the eyes, his own no doubt betraying too much. The duke brushed his page's lips softly with his thumb, and then planted a soft kiss where his thumb had been. Cesario was stunned, his face growing warm. Was this familial? But Orsino looked at him with curiosity, encouragement? Cesario wanted more. Could a servant? Could a boy? Did Orsino mean that? What would happ- unable to think of anything besides his master's lips and his chest where his open shirt revealed it, he wanted to be closer, more together. His heart and body took over from his mind and he made into an action what had just been a brush of lips before. It was his first kiss, yet it felt so instinctive, like this was what he was made to do, like this was right, was it a sign from God? He couldn't think, he felt sweet and away from this world, in a dream where nothing but he and his lord existed, his master's lips claiming him, melting together, desire. It was an indescribable feeling, the loveliest and most intoxicating thing. Lips against lips, soft, warm, sucking, he wanted more, he felt intoxicated, a tongue! He understood now why- a knock on the door. Cesario jumped away quickly, almost falling over, frightened with the realisation of the implications of what had happened and the possibility of discovery. His face red and guilty. “Come in,” Orsino called. They didn't speak or act on it again that night.

Did he seduce Orsino into deviant desires? Did his feminine countenance tempt Orsino to want (what he thought was) a boy? Cesario supposed most men had desires this way, but few gave in to them. Sure, many men were soulmates and loved each other more dearly than they loved their wives and sure sometimes there were tensions unmentioned or a peck or handholding or lying on your best friend’s chest, and men would often appreciate the beauty of a pretty or handsome youth, but that wasn’t wrong, was it? Now, kissing in the way he had tempted Orsino to was surely wrong, by law one would be implicated should anyone care to report it. Cesario knew these things, knew that men had to be careful with such passions as men for other men might feel. He supposed him being a boy it was different. Boys often did things as practice or out of need, things a grown man wouldn’t do, or only with a woman. It wasn’t right, but it was a thing children did, a not-unnatural part of growing up. But as one grew older there were expectations and obligations and one learned to ignore these desires. Maybe Orsino had just meant to kiss him as a man would innocently kiss a boy he was fond of, fatherly, and he himself had taken it too far. Cesario didn't think it strange for a boy to admire a man and want more than the man should give, did not most kinds of love bleed into each other to those unversed in love? But boyish passions that one had should not.. lead astray an honest amorous man. Cesario knew of these things because he had had a brother once and.. - he decided to stop this mess of chaotic troubled thoughts there. Surely there would be a job for him to do to take his mind of things? All this pondering would right no wrongs and change no facts. It wasn't as if anyone besides the Lord above had noticed it anyway. He just hoped Orsino did not feel guilty or guilted. He had not let it show if he did at least.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> * I suppose 19 was initially a random number because I wanted to make Viola/Cesario explicitly of age, though he looks younger, but there is evidence of boy actors playing women when they were as old as 19 (also of like actors that were famous for playing women doing so occasionally when they were older, but then it was like *a thing* and not just a regular thing that happened), so in hindsight it is a fun coincidence. Who knows, maybe the boy that played Viola was actually 19


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> see the endnotes for me telling you shit about early modern sexuality if you're interested

The next morning the duke seemed a little restless. His love of Olivia occupying his thoughts, his longing to woo her burning him up, yet firing him up as well. Cesario learned his master’s words, though with little expectation he would ever speak them to her. He was not bad with words himself. He’d find a way to woo the lady for his duke. Well, probably not, but he’d try. To his duke now, he didn’t know how to act, with the memory of the shameful kiss on his mind. Cheerful, silent and contemplative, ashamed? Diligent, he helped his duke as were he the lowest servant to the highest man, which he supposed he was in this land, though not in behaviour. He wished there was a way to round this off, find a conclusion, for both his and his lord’s sake. Didn’t want his duke to think at night of the woman he saw in his face, to play Olivia (though she wouldn’t be played anyway, but it still felt insulting), or to feel guilt under God. But it was too early for serious conversations. He didn’t want to sour Orsino’s mood. ‘'My lord, I do not know if she will hear your words, but I will do my very best to convey with what burning passions you love her, my lord, and I will highly commend you!’' he said ardently. ‘'Away with you then, my boy, and bring back good tidings,’' he smiled. Cesario bowed down and hurried away, stumbling over the tapestry. It was funny he supposed, praising his master whom he loved to get the lady who loved him to love his master, something along those lines.  
‘'Have you come to woo me for your master again?’' Olivia remarked amusedly, not waiting for an answer. ‘'By now you must know I will not be wooed by him, but yet you come back. I am happy to see you young Cesario.’' ‘'My lady,’' the boy replied, ‘'I come indeed for my master, who loves you so strongly, and I only hope that through me, who was after all taught and guided by the duke, you will come to love my lord.’' ‘'Are the songs of a singer the same as those of his teacher?’' she replied. ‘'Much in the same style, my lady, thought the subject might differ.’' ‘'What do you mean by this, do you not woo me for your master?’' she retorted. ‘'I do, my lady, recite his songs of love, but ‘tis not I that woo you, but Orsino through my sounds,’' he said with feigned submission, a smile breaking through. ‘'And what if it is your gentle sounds that woo me? Every man can write sweet words, but they have to be spoken sweetly, with sweet countenance,’' she rebutted. ‘'My lady, my lord has the sweetest countenance that there is: the softest lips, the loveliest smile, a fine physique, how could one not love one such as he?’' oh dear, a little too much earnesty in his act, ‘'Myself, only a boy, am bound to change. My voice, face and character might not be as lovely to you in a few years. My duke, already a man, is constant and strong in appearance as well as character. If you marry him, you know in 5, no 50, years you will have the same man, only bettered by your love,’' he tried to say his part persuadingly. ‘'My Cesario, I see you are very taken with him,’' she frowned, ‘'but I am not. It does not matter to me should he be the same in 5 or 50 years, because as he is I love him not and will not marry him.’' ‘'Then marry my lord for my sake, if you do love me, my lady Olivia,’' he plead, ‘'nothing would make me so glad as to see my master happy in your arms.’' ‘'But would I be happy?’' she replied flatly. ‘'You would, my lady, I am sure you will love my lord when you know him,’' Cesario hastened to impress on her. ‘'I think not, boy,’' she responded, smiling wistfully, ‘'away with you now.’' ‘'Until next time, my lady,’' and he bowed and left.  
It was a sad lot, being a woman with wealth and power, he supposed. He felt sorry for her. Whether or not Orsino and himself would ever wear her down, it couldn’t be nice being wooed over and over again by one you had rejected multiple times. He could only hope that one day she would find a man to love who loved her back. Though Cesario himself thought she was marvellous: sharp-witted, beautiful, funny, lovely, he could never love her as she would want to be loved, being deceived by his male guise. He sighed. Things were as they were, and only time could tell what would be. He returned to his lord Orsino. 

Sprawled side-ways over the arm-rest of a chair, the duke opened his eyes with a pained expression at the sound of his page coming in. ‘'Pray, what news do you have, kind Cesario,’' he begged with exaggerated desperation. ‘'Little news, my lord, I am afraid,’' he replied, while playing at pity. ‘'She will see me again but does not want to marry you still, my lord.’' Orsino sat up, ‘'well, if she wants me to continue to woo her, that is a good sign to be sure. Women like to be chased, but pretend they do not care. Take my lesson, boy, women are deceitful: they will say one thing, yet think another, and then blame you if you do not understand their true meaning,’' he said with a smile, his mood quickly changed. At some point Cesario would have to break his bubble, but he supposed he still had what was left of seven years. Orsino could be changeable, yet also stubborn, as was evident, but surely he would get bored before the end of seven years? ‘'Perhaps, my lord, but I have found women to be honest and not so different from us in general,’' he replied carefully. ‘'That is because you have little experience in such matters!’' he laughed, ‘'or do you?’' ‘'I don’t indeed, my lord, have never courted a woman before, but I have known many a girl and from them I think I understand their minds,’' he replied. He would have to get the duke over his disdain for women and his blindness for Olivia’s refusal at some point. ‘'Known many a girl you say?’' Orsino said with a shocked expression, and Cesario did not know whether it was in jest or in earnest. ‘'No NO, my lord, not like that,’' he hurried to say, ‘'I have never even kissed a girl before!’'  
O. He felt his face reddening and his duke looked awkwardly at the ground. ‘'I am sorry, I did not know,’' Orsino said sincerely, then halted. ‘'I am sure we can find a nice girl for you to dally with,’' he said gently after a moment. ‘'My lord, I desire no woman while I serve you,’' Cesario looked pining, sadly, at his duke before him on the chair. Orsino got up a little, cupped his cheeked, planted a soft kiss on his boy’s lips, then pulled him down onto the chair, softly. Their kiss this time tender, less hungry, perhaps more loving, perhaps just different. Cesario carded his hand through Orsino’s lovely dark hair, dishevelling it gently. His other hand against his master’s (this time clothed) chest. Their lips touched lightly, moved carefully, feeling as were they partaking in a sacred ceremony, sombre in a way, Orsino’s eyes observing his every move. Cesario pulled away as slowly as everything else and took a deep breath. The duke looked at him with concern. ‘'My lord, please, I am not made out of porcelain,’' and he felt his face grow hot. Then he pulled his lord’s head gently towards his own, and kissed with a little more ardour. Maybe less sacred, but more warm and real, as were they people and not spectacles in a procession. Surrounded by love, or Orsino’s strong arms and warm breath. He kissed and was kissed sweetly, their tongues exploring each other’s warm mouths, trying to elicit and observe a reaction, their lips sucked, moving languidly yet full of passion. Cesario could not think of anything besides Orsino and his arms and lips and, oh. Orsino’s mouth had broken away and trailed a path to the youth’s neck, where he gently sucked a mark on skin. A noise escaped Cesario’s mouth; was this what a moan was? ‘'My lord,’' he said breathily, ‘'not so fast.’' Gently, but happy enough to concede, Orsino pulled his page into one more long kiss, before breaking away. The youth laid his head on the duke’s bared chest (when did that happen?) planted a kiss on it, and listened to /his/ duke’s rapid heartbeat. Wrapped in each other’s arms they lay there lazily, still in a light dream of warm love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay so I read some stuff and my understanding of early modern sexuality hasn't changed too much and I think it's like: saying people just thought about homosexual acts as incidental and just an act and not part of one's identity is too simplistic and we can't really make a massive separation between like homosexual feelings which were accepted like being close friends and sex acts which weren't bc obviously they are/can be connected and on a continuum (like you can be acceptable bffs who kiss and work together in public and also have sex in your bed which you share bc thats normal (except for the sex) or like you can be romantically involved and not have sex but what is sex anyway and you can be actual platonic besties who say you love eachother). so like yeah. Sure "gay" wasn't an identity and only sex acts were criminalized and other expressions of affection more accepted, but it's too simplistic to say it was all seperate and just an incidental thing and not an identity in the popular imagination like bc like if you are very into men and aren't that into women or just engage in lots of sodomy lol and people notice like they are gonna think that's an aspect of you like but not like fully an identity yet maybe? idk man. I'm reading more about this stuff and it's interesting  
> .  
> Also ig pederasty and young men being an erotic object to both men and women.  
> Also after the Elizabethan era due to social changes like very close homosocial friendships which involved kissing and cuddling became suspish, where previously they had been normative and an important part of social life. and because like (non-sexual) intimacy was less connected to friendships which were super important for society, like sodomy became a completely different social sphere (rather than just an extension of close homosocial bonds, though it was not spoken about in relation to those bc male friendship was idealised) and became increasingly prosecuted?  
> and yeah obviously before this change in perception of male relations there were moral panics or sporadic convictions from time to time and those convicted for sodomy were harshly punished, but it wasn't like a constant threat like, but I suppose you wouldn't want to be one of those sporadic convictions  
> My research has mostly focused on protestant NW Europe/England so just fyi like, that's what I will base Messaline's attitudes to sexuality on.  
> I considered making Illyria like the Ottoman Empire, which was very okay with same-sex sexuality, but decided against it bc i know too little about the Ottoman Empire and Islam to pay it justice in a respectful way. But it's really cool like some types of love poetry was mainly written to/about young men but men also wrote about love for someone their own age and like some of this poetry was eh pretty erotic lol. People say this like acceptability of same-sex relations and sexuality was caused by the sexes being very separated in daily life and like, to paraphrase some poet "yeah well you can just take your boy out and about unchaperoned and drink wine with him and kiss him and just chill, but you can't do that with a woman, so aren't boys much better?" So even though I had heard that male-male desire was a thing in poetry and that like the Ottoman empire had a reputation to Europeans for eh same-sex relations, I was surprised to hear just how accepted it was, very cool:)  
> So yeah this is me telling you what I found out and also keeping a record for myseld bc I'll definitely lose the pages on which ive written my research


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A bit of an overreaction for a kiss ig but well, we need to get over the ‘’oh no what if people find out we are bi and in love’’ hurdle so. Also, Illyria is kind of based on the Ottoman Empire I guess, but not really because I have only read 2 or 3 articles about it and don’t really know much about it at all and if I claim it is the Ottoman Empire I will have to do it justice. Also I suppose a fictional pro-gay utopia is nicer because fanfics are wish-fulfilment.  
> Also it was going in a smutty direction before I realised I am a pure and innocent uwu asexual and probably shouldn’t, so I suppose that is probably good. I don’t know why I am telling you this. I also made Sebastian the sensible twin for like the whole idk week I was writing this, even though I have watched Twelfth Night multiple times during this period, before realising that obviously he is the idiot twin because he gets impulsively married at first sight to Olivia and ditches Antonio. So I am the idiot not-twin in this instance.  
> I had to rewrite this a couple times because it started out too ‘’boohoo Messaline hates the gays, they’re all scared of even looking at a boy for fear of seeming gay’’ before I realised that that was very ahistorical. But I suppose I gave up on claiming historical correctness altogether anyway, because it is a bit stressful. But if you are a queer historian or someone who just happens to know about things, I’d be very happy to hear from you.  
> cesario12: spends days and days reading about early modern sexuality and rewriting this chapter to make it more correct for the time period  
> cesario12 after almost a week: never mind, too much effort, let’s throw out historical accuracy, I don’t care

A knock on the door, ‘'Your food, my lord.'' ‘'Just leave it on the table, Valentine,’' Orsino replied languidly. Still lying drowsily in his master’s arms, Cesario did not comprehend what was happening until the door was opened and the light from the hallway, as well as Valentine’s quick feet, entered the room. Startled, the boy tried to jump from his master’s arms to as far away as he could. ‘'Hush, hush,’' his lord murmured and placed a kiss on his forehead. Cesario calmed in body, if not in spirit, not knowing what else to do, still held by the hands of his master. Valentine put the plate on the table and stepped back a little, out the duke’s line of view he smirked at Cesario’s frightened face and raised his eyebrows suggestively, and lingered a little, moving some things around on the tray and pretending to be waiting for orders, wanting to have as much material as possible to gossip about. Orsino dismissed him annoyedly.    
‘My boy, what has upset you so much,’' he asked sympathetically as soon as the door was closed, stroking slow circles over Cesario’s back. ‘'My lord,’' he looked up his master’s face, ‘’I feared the consequences of what our state would imply,’’ he tried to wave at them both- his master’s shirt almost fully undone, hair dishevelled, and he did not doubt he himself must looked wicked, wanton, guilty in a way now, as though this first step on some path to adulthood had changed his appearance as well as his soul- but his arms were constricted by the duke’s calming grasp. He should have thought things through, should not have started this path at all. This time it had stopped before his master had seen his .. secret, but in the future, if-- if he hadn’t been fierce red already, he would be blushing now. He did not want to imply,  but.. it would be hard to keep his secret for long like this. But more importantly: the obvious carelessness of his master. He supposed it could have been interpreted as something innocent: him snuggled up against his master, a kiss on his forehead, friendly, fatherly, but they did look pretty dishevelled and that could also be used as fuel if someone would want to bring his master down. You never knew who would be willing to spread rumours in order to gain favour (Valentine was nice but Cesario did not know most other servants as well yet).   
Orsino was sentimental, dramatic, might not always be the most practical and might not have thought of the consequences, while for himself carefulness and lying were essential, second nature: both Viola and Cesario being a performance. People were willing to overlook many things, but once they had gotten a scent, they’d be on the chase. It was dangerous to let your guard down. Cesario had seen what harsh repercussions men that went too far could get. It was against the church and against morality to sully friendship and patronage with such bodily things, forbidden by the Bible. One couldn’t. It had to be secret. No man is invincible and any man can be brought down. ‘’You think too much Cesario, what do you mean?’’ he frowned and a little annoyed he asked, ‘’Do you fear the other servants will tease you?’’ ‘’My lord, no! I do not fear for myself, only for your sake. What might happen when rumours get spread,’’ he replied, his heart still beating quickly from the fright. ‘’I’m sure word won’t get to Olivia,’’ the duke frowned, ‘’and if it does, well, she is telling me to wait another 6 years after all, and I am only human. Don’t worry, my boy.’’ Cesario didn’t understand, ‘’My lord, a passionate kiss between man and boy is a sin in the eyes of the church, your reputation would be stained and we punished should someone find out. Someone might guess from your affection and --’’ he motioned towards his master’s bare chest, and O, ‘’I probably have a love bite?’’ He’d never had one himself, but they showed up pretty clearly on Sebastian’s pale neck (his brother must have hid them very carefully, because Cesario had only once seen them, when- needing a book from his father’s library, urgently and enthusiastically needing it- he barged into the room and saw his brother’s friend (well, lover he supposed) jumping away, startled, and saw some dark bruises on his brother’s neck. Worried his brother might be ill, he asked what they were, but his brother was evasive and bumbled that it wasn’t serious and he had been attacked by a bird which had flown in through the window or something like that, but he looked frightened and guilty and that story wasn’t very plausible at all because the window was closed and it was too cold outside to have it open anyway, so Cesario had to know more, but his brother wouldn't say a thing. He was friendly with a young kitchen maid who knew all sorts of things that Cesario had been sheltered from and she was usually happy to share them, excited to have the upper hand over her mistress. So Cesario discretely asked her what such marks he had seen ‘’on a delivery boy’’ might mean, ‘’because he didn’t want sick servants in the house of course!’’ And giggling, and with the girl showing him one such mark from her own lover, he learned something new about his brother and about love in general.)  So thinking of Valentine eyeing him and observing as much as he could, Cesario hoped that for once he didn’t take after his brother. There was no innocent excuse for a love bite, was there? The bird excuse definitely wouldn’t work.    
Orsino laughed, ‘’my innocent boy, you are taking things too seriously; men kiss boys, men, women all the time outside of marriage! Certain religious leaders may condemn it, but on earth one does not get punished for such deeds,’’ he smiled, ‘’what the Lord will say I do not know, but to kiss a boy you are fond of surely can’t be as bad as to visit a prostitute, and many men do that. Love and desire are beautiful normal things, and relations based on friendship and patronage are beautiful acts. I do not mean to talk you into doing any things you do not want to do, sweet Cesario, but I just want to tell you that many rules are bent or disregarded in life. You will see that when you grow up. Can you honestly say you have never broken any rules yourself? Never told a lie? See this as the same. Nobody will tell any priest, but it is charming how innocent you are,’’ he smiled and stroked Cesario’s cheek, placed a soft kiss on his lips. The boy blushed and stammering said ‘’My lord, I suppose I had heard tales of men kissing boys in Illyria,  and.. committing such acts that are condemned in my homeland, but I took them for mere inventions, meant to show the strangeness and exoticism of your country Illyria.’’ It was a lot to take in. Hope swelled warm in his body: men could be with men? That couldn’t be right, could it? Was this really true? He supposed he believed it in his head, having heard the rumours, but his heart couldn’t grasp such a big thing and hold it for truth just yet. Men could be with men and it was just like boys and girls dating before marriage, or men going to women for a night? Not the most proper thing but something that would not endanger you, should rumours be spread.    
His lord looked at him, curious, and he continued: ‘’in the land where I am from, men are convicted for,’’ he looked at the ground, ‘’ engaging with men and boys. As elsewhere, men can hold hands or give chaste kisses or lie next to each other, clothed, but to kiss a man in as longing a way as I have kissed you rises above the celebrated friendships men can share, and is sin as well as crime. Trials do not happen often, but punishments are harsh when they do. One has to be very careful, not let anyone know, because one doesn’t want to be the one to be convicted as an example for others. One can’t talk about these things. Even my dearest brother when I  saw him.. he was afraid of me, that I would deliver him up to guards and judges. The fear in his eyes. Of course, I later wanted to tell him that I would never do such thing, but he did not let me speak a single sentence about it. These things are unspeakable in my homeland. We used to be so close though, never had any secrets as children. We were as two sides of the same coin,’’ he swallowed and tried not to let his tears fall down, avoided his master’s eyes. ‘’You are saying that men can be with men and it is no serious crime? That my brother would not have to be so afraid about loving his friend in every way? That it is no worse than a boy and a girl who aren’t married?’’ growing a little frantic now, needing it to be true. Orsino kissed the boy’s faced softly where one tear fell down. Cesario grasped his masters face and kissed his mouth with some desperation. ‘’There, now it would be a crime,’’ he said, attempting a joke as he broke away, but it probably just sounded sad.    
His master looked at him with compassion, ‘’every sort of love is holy, my boy. Through loving others, we love God, because he has made us all and inhabits everything.  Obviously men are above women, so loving a man is closer to God*1, but marriage is also a holy thing, so we must all marry and have children someday. Yet it is better to love a youth than a woman you are not going to marry and therefore it is good for boys to love each other or for a youth to love his master and his master to love him. And it is no good keeping secrets between close companions, nor keeping your feelings hid in general. Men’s emotions are strong as the sea and as surging, you cannot bottle them up. Our hearts are large and longing, we will desire men as well as women in its time and it is a nice thing to act on it, whatever strict religious men or people in your own country may say. Do not feel guilty, my boy, it is okay.’’ ‘’Your absolution is a comfort, my lord, and it pleases me to hear it,’’ he replied, emotional, ‘’it is a thing I have felt the same, but never heard spoken by another soul.’’ Though he supposed he did not know whether his usurped male role deserved the same absolution, it was still bittersweet to know that there were places where men could love each other without fear. Maybe it didn’t apply to himself, because supposedly, being born a woman, this was the natural order for him, he wasn’t sure, but it would have been nice for Sebastian and his Angelo. Secrets only eat away at you and make life much harder. Maybe Cesario should try to actually go to church sometime soon, confess that he had been dressing as a boy and kissing his master, because if the second part wasn’t a horrible unspeakable crime, the first part alone might not give the poor priest a heart attack. But people in Illyria did not have the same kind of churches as back in  Messaline , so he would have to see.    
Anyway, he had not been a very good servant to his master tonight: too much sadness and too little amusement. He supposed he should fix that; he did not want to be pitied. ‘’Do you want me to tell a tale, lord, sing a song, play a game? I think we have had enough sadness for the night, we can ask the fool if you want?’’ he said, still feeling confused, even though everything had been laid out for him, but also joyful. Orsino considered it for a second, ‘’let us have some wine,’’ he looked at Cesario and licked his lips, but did not seem to want to press him, ‘’what sort of game did you have in mind?’’ ‘’I cannot say I know many games, but I have a good mind, let me think about it while..’’ smiling he changed his position, now straddling the duke’s hips. Lovingly and hungrily he pressed his mouth on the duke's, sucked his upper lip, grazed his teeth over it. Then breached his master’s lips with his tongue, first feeling around tenderly, then deepening the kiss and moving fast, passionate, his master answering in kind. After a few minutes? a second? an hour? h e pulled away, ''I love you,'' he blurted out, a little embarassed, looking down, but then found his courage again and looked in his master's eyes, ''I love you,'' he repeated tenderly. Orsino chuckled, and fondly he said ''you are a marvel, my beautiful boy,'' and pressed his lips on the boy's, softly touching, sucking, licking into his mouth, their tongues moving against each other, their lips shifting, surging as the sea. Soft, warm and intoxicating, and Cesario only wanted more and never to stop, so eager. Nothing mattered anymore, just his hands on his master’s strong thigh and in his hair and their mouths and breath intermingled, and O warmth and love encircled them and he just wanted to melt into his master and become one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *1 this is kind of the Sufi (which was/is? kind of a very broad.. movement? in Islam) position: loving people is the path to loving Allah. Orthodox Sufis said that obviously Allah does not approve of everything, so you are kinda defiling love if you do things He would not approve of. Radical Sufis were more chill and hippie like Allah inhabits everything so any love is good, and men are more perfect and love for men/boys is higher so that is good. Initially that wasn’t supposed to include sex, but just romantically pining for some pretty boy, but y’know over time sex became very much a thing.  
> That is what I think anyway! I found the article I read about a bit confusing and contradictory and have not done more research on it. And I don't really know what they think about straight marriage bc boring. But y’know Orsino is from some ambiguous country with some ambiguous religion so it is good enough for me.


End file.
